Needed: Crystal Ball

I am a control freak. There, I said it. Or at least, I wrote it.

I like being in control of my environment, of my future, of my life in general. Ever since starting TTC, it's gotten worse. I find a perverse thrill in charting - it's a wonderous thing to be able to see your body's processes laid out in graph form. It's easy to lull one's self into a false sense of control, though. While taking notes and charting signs, you see such a complete picture of what's happenED that it's easy to think you can see what WILL happen.

Today is CD8 (cycle day 8, or 8 days after AF wandered into town). My herniated lumbar disc still really hurts but I think it's getting better. I feel great when I get out of bed, which is a good start. I have no idea if I can safely (or successfully) TTC this cycle or not, and it's making me a little crazy. If I O (ovulate) "on time," which for me is an average of CD16, then it might be too soon for the smack to be out of my system. I did take a lot of advil at the beginning of the cycle, and that often delays O. But I'm going to Florida - without the Spousal Unit - from CD22-30, so if I O late, I might miss the egg. When I made the plans to travel, I was pretty excited to be away from home during that time because wating to test is SOOO hard (see: "Peeing on Sticks").

I used to think "everything happens for a reason and we just don't always know what that reason is until later." Now I'm beginning to believe that everything happens pretty randomly, but I can probably learn something really great from whatever the outcome might be. If I'm open and aware, hopefully I can find the "lesson" and become stronger and better because of it. I think that this experience could be a way for me to learn patience. Hmmm.

I can't see my future, and it pisses me off. I'm trying to be okay existing in shades of gray, but I much prefer the horizon in black and white.