History Lesson
Welcome to the TTC Blog of DysLexie.
Well, to begin, I'm TTC#1, C8, CD25, 8DPO, in the 2WW. I POASed today with SMU and got a BFNs on my HPTs, but I still have some EWCM and no sign of AF. I'm positive I Oed because I got a Peak on my trusty CBE FM. DH and I BDed right on schedule using the SMEP, and my post-O BBTs are still above CL (with a possible ID 7DPO). If I get AF instead of my BFP this time, next time we're going to try IUI, but I'm hoping for lots of babydust!!!
If you know what I mean, then you REALLY know what I mean!! If not, then here's the rough translation:
"I'm trying to get pregnant and having more trouble than I thought I would. Now I am completely obsessed and currently know WAAAY more about my biological processes than I probably should - and spend far more time documenting said processes than could possibly be healthy. "
Trying to conceive, or TTC, is not anything I ever imagine I'd ever be doing, especially not with such zest and fervor. Spousal Unit and I had actually discussed sterilization in our earlier 20's because we were sure we never wanted kids. I was on the Pill or Depo-Provera for almost 20 years straight until we decided to start TTC in September of 2005. In earlier lives, B and I both marched in the Pro-Choice March in Washington DC in 1990(?) before we even met, and I always thought of reproductive rights as "my right NOT to get (or stay) pregnant," and I guarded those rights fiercely.
And then my bio-clock started ticking. Ticking yet louder. The alarm rang, but I had other things going on (mostly fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition and early bad-weather prediction system - it requires boatload of fairly hard-core pain drugs, so getting knocked up was out of the question) so I pressed snooze. You know how, when you're having a really good - or at least entertaining - dream, you keep pressing the snooze button, and by the time your head clears enough to realize that CRAP! IT'S TIME TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR!, you just know you're already going to be wicked late and catch hell for it??? I mean, SO late that you know you've missed your train, and you don't have time to get ready, and you're going to be SOOOO LATE that it almost makes more sense to just stay home and use up a sick day?
Yeah, it's pretty much like that.
I am a bright, well-educated, mostly reasonable woman who loves her Spousal Unit and wants to create a family with him (he is so beautiful...), and who believes there must be something more to life than the adequate yet dull life we have set out before us. Is that so wrong?
This pull to reproduce is absolutely primal, completely beyond reason. It makes absolutely no logical sense to me to WANT to spend 9 months getting fat and moody(er), pass something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a cucumber, and then attend to its every whiny whim for 18+ years. WTF? But yet I choke down my folic adic pills and wake up early every morning to take my temp; I have given up caffeine, hot dogs, deli meat and tuna (well, okay, I've decreased my intake); I lost my cute, girlish, semi-athletic-looking figure to three months of fertility drugs; hell, I HAD SURGERY TO DETATCH AND REPOSITION ONE OF MY FREAKIN' EYE MUSCLES in an effort to ease my headaches and need for pain meds (and it mostly worked).
In February, I became Pregnant, and within a few days became Unpregnant. The loss I feel for that life and opportunity is something so acute and exquisite that I don't think the words exist in my brain. There are billions of women throughout time who have had similar or vastly more severe losses, and I cannot fathom how they could bear it. I'm at the point where I don't think about it much, or when I do think about it, it's like I'm telling a story about someone else. I'm starting to ache so I'll change the subject until another time.
I really wish I could stop and take a break; I really do. I'm so tired. I've started, slowly, to make plans for the future that DON'T revolve around possible ovulation dates, and I'm even thinking about buying a plane ticket for a conference in November WITHOUT calculating how many months pregnant I'd be IF this cycle worked out. That is absolutely HUGE for me.
Okay, introduction over. It's all fun and games from here on out, right???
Well, to begin, I'm TTC#1, C8, CD25, 8DPO, in the 2WW. I POASed today with SMU and got a BFNs on my HPTs, but I still have some EWCM and no sign of AF. I'm positive I Oed because I got a Peak on my trusty CBE FM. DH and I BDed right on schedule using the SMEP, and my post-O BBTs are still above CL (with a possible ID 7DPO). If I get AF instead of my BFP this time, next time we're going to try IUI, but I'm hoping for lots of babydust!!!
If you know what I mean, then you REALLY know what I mean!! If not, then here's the rough translation:
"I'm trying to get pregnant and having more trouble than I thought I would. Now I am completely obsessed and currently know WAAAY more about my biological processes than I probably should - and spend far more time documenting said processes than could possibly be healthy. "
Trying to conceive, or TTC, is not anything I ever imagine I'd ever be doing, especially not with such zest and fervor. Spousal Unit and I had actually discussed sterilization in our earlier 20's because we were sure we never wanted kids. I was on the Pill or Depo-Provera for almost 20 years straight until we decided to start TTC in September of 2005. In earlier lives, B and I both marched in the Pro-Choice March in Washington DC in 1990(?) before we even met, and I always thought of reproductive rights as "my right NOT to get (or stay) pregnant," and I guarded those rights fiercely.
And then my bio-clock started ticking. Ticking yet louder. The alarm rang, but I had other things going on (mostly fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition and early bad-weather prediction system - it requires boatload of fairly hard-core pain drugs, so getting knocked up was out of the question) so I pressed snooze. You know how, when you're having a really good - or at least entertaining - dream, you keep pressing the snooze button, and by the time your head clears enough to realize that CRAP! IT'S TIME TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR!, you just know you're already going to be wicked late and catch hell for it??? I mean, SO late that you know you've missed your train, and you don't have time to get ready, and you're going to be SOOOO LATE that it almost makes more sense to just stay home and use up a sick day?
Yeah, it's pretty much like that.
I am a bright, well-educated, mostly reasonable woman who loves her Spousal Unit and wants to create a family with him (he is so beautiful...), and who believes there must be something more to life than the adequate yet dull life we have set out before us. Is that so wrong?
This pull to reproduce is absolutely primal, completely beyond reason. It makes absolutely no logical sense to me to WANT to spend 9 months getting fat and moody(er), pass something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a cucumber, and then attend to its every whiny whim for 18+ years. WTF? But yet I choke down my folic adic pills and wake up early every morning to take my temp; I have given up caffeine, hot dogs, deli meat and tuna (well, okay, I've decreased my intake); I lost my cute, girlish, semi-athletic-looking figure to three months of fertility drugs; hell, I HAD SURGERY TO DETATCH AND REPOSITION ONE OF MY FREAKIN' EYE MUSCLES in an effort to ease my headaches and need for pain meds (and it mostly worked).
In February, I became Pregnant, and within a few days became Unpregnant. The loss I feel for that life and opportunity is something so acute and exquisite that I don't think the words exist in my brain. There are billions of women throughout time who have had similar or vastly more severe losses, and I cannot fathom how they could bear it. I'm at the point where I don't think about it much, or when I do think about it, it's like I'm telling a story about someone else. I'm starting to ache so I'll change the subject until another time.
I really wish I could stop and take a break; I really do. I'm so tired. I've started, slowly, to make plans for the future that DON'T revolve around possible ovulation dates, and I'm even thinking about buying a plane ticket for a conference in November WITHOUT calculating how many months pregnant I'd be IF this cycle worked out. That is absolutely HUGE for me.
Okay, introduction over. It's all fun and games from here on out, right???
posted by DysLexie @ 2:51 PM
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